sadgreeneyedgirl's Blog

I think perhaps a break is in order.  I'm being consumed, emotions overflowing, and thoughts taking over.  reality is not what it should be and I need a dose of reality.  my gullible self is showing her true colors and i am not getting into another mess of hurt.  Fuck that, no way.

I take a glimpse of my page and see, what I call, drama.  I'm not in the business of calling it out, delving into it, or otherwise promoting it.  What I am in the business of is keeping it out of my life.  So, I question myself, how do I keep more drama from coming into my life without creating more drama.  

I have enough crud happening.  I don't need to see more.  EP is where I come to vent about my real everyday problems.  I write my fantasies.  I speak with my friends, banter, joke, discuss real life problems.  I don't jump in and create drama here on EP.  When it happens, I generally walk away from those that create it for me.  I value those in my circle and hope they value me as much in return.  

I'm more than just a person to utilize for sex talk.  I can be your best friend.  I can be an open ear.  I can give advice or keep it to my self.  If you ask me to keep something to myself, I do.  I do not tell you I will not say anything and then turn behind your back and say something immediately.  

Recently, I have felt some strain between myself and a few of my friends.  I'm not sure why, if I have done something wrong, or if maybe it is my lack of being as involved as normal.  I know that I have to look at myself first.  I know I miss a lot when I am off just for a day.  However, if it includes drama, I'm not sorry that I missed it.

I'm not really sure what I am saying here.  I'm having a day already...this day they call "Monday".  It is plagued by bad juju.  I have to do something to turn it around.  I think I thought if I just write about it...I would alleviate the precognition it would get worse.

Let's see what happens.

: )

So...usually you have family that will support you and help you through anything and everything.  Apparently, my family missed that lesson while developing in the gene pool.

As they were "supporting" me this evening, we were discussing me getting divorced.  I got to hear how no one will ever understand, deal with, support, or stand by me with all my issues and my "mental illnesses".  

First of all, I have never hidden who I am.  I have never allowed my "illnesses" to define me.  I don't need anyone to take care of me.  I don't need anyone to support me, deal with me, stand by me, etc.  I can stand on my own two feet.  I'm very hurt by their actions.  

I hate when I second guess myself.  I feel incompetent.  I become neurotic asking people that I believe do care for me stupid rhetorical questions.  

Right now I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a while.  

I canNOT do that.  I have to keep my head up, struggle with no support from them, and follow through with what I KNOW will make me HAPPY!

If you don't learn once, do it four times.

Not sure what's going on but I'm staying sick to my stomach lately.  Food is non-appealing, I vomit what I do eat or the other, I stay nauseated, I'm keeping headaches, my body aches, and I shake like a leaf.  I'll go for hours feeling great and then bam...I feel wretched.

This morning I felt great and then after I took my shower, I felt horrible.  I think maybe it's time I get back to the doctor.  It almost feels like a terrible hangover you can't shake.

I hate when I haven't had enough sleep.  I don't function well.  I am more emotional.  I tend to do stupid things.  I over analyze more.  And more over...  I dislike myself more than ever.  I'm supposed to be working on this.  I just feel like everything I touch always falls to shit.  

Every friendship I have...I chase away.  I am afraid to be close to anyone.  I always say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make promises I cannot keep.  

I'm actually surprised I have lasted in my job as long as I have.  I question things when I see things are wrong...constantly.  The boss tends to want to play his way...not by the rules.  I buck it.  I always get the look.  I push things to the limit.  Hair color...clothes...etc.

My marriage sucks.  I want out.  I've tried getting out.  I have failed at that too.  Honestly, the only thing it seems I am really good at is being a mother.  I'm hoping I don't screw that up too.

I can't figure it out.  I really can't.  I feel like I am being punished for something that I have no idea what I did.  

Was it loving too hard?  Was it being too open?  What the fuck was it?  

If you don't love a person...you should tell them.  You don't just close the door without an explanation and pretend that your feelings are the only ones that matter.  I'm HUMAN TOO!

God I hate this.  I hate feeling like I did wrong when I don't know what I did.  

I reach out once...I make contact.  I reach out twice...I get shut down.  

I wish my heart was ice cold and I didn't care, I didn't love, I didn't hurt.

All month I have been marking off the days.  I looked at it today and realized that since Tuesday there were not X's.  I began to cry.  I realized that everything I had been looking forward to had come to a halt and my dream had been shattered.  I had loved too much, too hard, too fast. 

I continue checking my phone for messages.  There are none.  I continue checking my email for messages.  There are none.  I continue waiting for that phone call.  There is none.  All I do is hurt. 

Monday was a glorious day.  So much fun.  So much love.  So much compassion. 

Tuesday was the worst day that I can recollect for a long period of time.  Hurt was sprung upon me.  Words were exchanged that made no sense to me.  Bad thoughts were abound.  I was lost.

Wednesday was not better.  I realized that I had lost everything that I thought was right and realized that I would never gain it back.  Nothing will ever be the same. 

So, I'm sitting here looking at this calendar.  No more days to cross off.  I have tears streaming down my face.  This is a day that I had been looking forward to for a month.  A day that had mutually been agreed upon and was going to be shared.  The days had been mutually counted down. 

I'm trying to figure out what I have done wrong in my life.  Why is it that everytime I think something good is going to happen in my life, pain sets in and causes me grief.  I honestly don't believe that it is meant for me to find happiness.  My life has been full of all kinds of heartache.  Not just in love, but in all other areas of life too. 

Yes...I know...I'm whining.  I'm most definitely having a "whoa is me" day.  I just need to vent and get it out of my system.  I need an outlet.  I need someone.  I need to be held.  I want someone to tell me it will be ok.  I wish it was them.  I know it won't be.  I know it will never be.  I know I have completely lost them.  The pain...God the pain.  I wish I had no humanity and I was numb. 

I guess it is time for me to "suck it up", put my "big girl panties" on, and carry on with this life that I was handed.  Life was not meant to be a bed of roses and I need to make "better" choices. 

What hurts the most is I, for the first time, actually fell in love.  I felt it.  I felt all the emotions.  I felt all the twinges.  I felt feelings and thoughts that I had never felt before.  This person consumed me, night and day.  Their love was exchanged.  I now feel it was ripped from me.  A part of me is gone.  I don't know if I will ever get that part of me back.

The month is not over but the calendar is coming down.  I cannot bare to look at anymore.  Four days and my day would have been here.  Now it is a memory that was never made, but a day that is a nightmare instead.

Wow, when I do it, I do it good.

Need to get my emotions in check.  I need to find reality and not my reality.  The real, tangible reality.  I need to dry my tears. 

I hurt.  I'm not ok.  I have no comfort.  Nothing, that I know, can be said to fix me.

I want this pain to go away.
Ha...I did it again
 

Ok. So I did it again.  I fell so hard that I banged my head, snapped my neck, forgot that reality exists, and managed to cry like a baby. 

Do I know what I want?  I've been asked that a lot lately.  Yes.  I know what I want.  Is it attainable?  No.  Why?  Because it is so unrealistic that my delusional thoughtless brain went into overactive drive causing make believe thoughts of grandeur. 

Ok.  So at this point you probably are asking yourself, "What the hell is SGEG talking about?"  Well here it is...I have a bad habit of getting attached to people, miscommunicating, misreading them, and then falling to my own demise.  It is no one else's fault but my own.

I need to remember that life is not a dream.  I need to wake up in the mornings.  I need to smell the roses, drink some coffee, remember to put my big girl panties on, and prepare to walk myself away from the clouds.  Dreams are meant to be shattered. 

Again...I did it.  I read into something that wasn't there.  My brain...got to love it.  It is a complete hot mess of delusion.  There is no such thing as being someone's something, something special, being in love, having anything more than what it is, etc.  If you think it is something, it isn't.  If you think it is one thing...it is another.  Do NOT fool yourself.

I'm awake.  I know I have faultered and I know that I need to grow up.  At my age, you would think that I would be more mature, more insightful.  Wow...I amaze myself at the ridiculousness of myself.

My expectations are too high and because of that I let myself down.  It is my fault.  All my fault.  The abandonment that I fear...I cause myself.

My mood: pretty blank

I can't win for losing.  I finally get my husband to notice me, to make love to me, and to see me.  Afterward, I think things will go smoothly.  I was wrong.  As soon as we left the bedroom, an argument was started.  What about?  Dinner.  Really?  We are going to fight about dinner right after having sex.  He asked me what we were doing about dinner and I said, "What would you like?  I have no special cravings."  His response, "Fuck it...I will go get something."  I said, "I can go get something.  That's not the problem.  What do you think you want?"  He says, "Just forget it.  I will go get it since you don't know what you want."

Really?  Did I miss something?

I'm tired of trying, caring, crying, wondering, and feeling so inadequate.  I'M DONE!

And what does he do just now...he calls to see if there was anything else I needed.  Apologized for being an ass.  So...I lick my wounds and tell him thank you for getting dinner and that I appreciated it.  What the hell am I supposed to do.  I'm so over the drama.  I'm tired of walking on a tight rope for him.  I just want to live life.

Why do I do this to myself?  

I always love those who do not love me.

I always want those who do not want me.

I always need those that do not need me.

I have to stop.  I have to stop talking.  I have to stop feeling.  I have to stop showing emotion.  Every time I do, I get hurt.  Every time.  It doesn't matter the situation.  People part, people leave, people make promises they don't intend to keep.  I know it is ridiculous.  I know it is a pipe dream.  I know I am supposed to let this idea leave my brain and stop clouding my judgment but I just want what I cannot have.

I know this.  I need to get passed it.  

I'm not loved the way I want to be loved.

I'm not wanted the way I want to be wanted.

And I am not needed the way that I need him.

I'm so done with trying to understand my feelings.  I'm so done with the emotional roller coasters.  I want to be free of the pain and agony of feeling like any moment I will start crying.  Tis life I guess.  We all have our good days.  We all have our bad.  

I've tried so many times to pull on my big girl panties and be the trooper that I should be.  I think I have gotten past the one obstacle only to find that I am at another hurdle.  It seems like they come so fast.  I know what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  I know if we just make it a little further we will be rewarded.  I just want to get away from everything, everyone, every crisis every good and every bad.

A good friend recently told me that it would be better to get out of this loveless unhappy marriage and be happy alone.  

He is right.

He also said for me to stop looking to be loved or trying to find love. 

He is right.

Love is only found when it wants to be found.

I imagine the unimaginable.  I want to be the girl that receives the flowers for no reason, the unexpected phone call, the love notes, etc.  That is a mystical, fictional, unobtainable dream.  It is what every girl wants and can't have.  Hell, some men want this and they can neither find it or obtain it.  Why and what makes my situation any different?  Nothing, nada, zero, zilch.

After trying so hard to be a wife, getting "shoved" to the side, and being refused, I'm retiring.  I'm throwing in the towel.  I am going to start gradually by pulling away everything I have.  I have tried talking, crying, screaming, yelling, and nothing seems to get through to him.  I will admit, I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with.  I know this above anything else.  

Anyone that has chatted with me knows that I have a vivid imagination, a lot to offer, and I am very passionate.   
However, there is someone that amazes me extremely.  He warrants compassion for my situation and does not instigate malice toward it.  His words of passion bring me extreme joy.  First off....unlike many on this website, he is sincere, intelligent, down to earth, thoughtful, and above all else, non-judgmental.  He's not a pervert that decides SEX is the topic.  Unlike some of these individuals that have recently chatted me up.

I have a few other gentlemen that I can say sincerely that I believe care for me and I care for them.  They are wonderful friends and are very much like me.  I love them.  They are wonderful men.  They have helped me through so much.  If I were to meet them in real life, it would be like meeting up with old friends.  I don't think it would be odd at all.  You gentlemen know who you are.  You are all different and alike at the same time.  All different and alike at the same time.  Thank you.

I guess it is time to cut my losses and move on.  I believe discussions are in order.

"She Will Be Loved" - Maroon 5

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

My grandmother is terrible sick.  I don't know that she will make it to the 1st of the year or not.  She has completely leaned over and look like someone has just folded her.  I have often heard that the old begin drawing into the fetal position when they are about to die.  I can see this in her.  

I know it may sound terrible, but I honestly believe that if she passed, she would be in a much better place.  Her quality of life is horrible.  We have to pick her up, place her in the wheel chair, take her to the bathroom and feed her.  You can't understand anything she is saying right now.  She keeps her eyes shut for the most part.

She is 88.  She has lived a long life.  I think it is time for her to have her rest.

:(